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Two wind chimes, one brass and prone to anger, one with the throat of an angel, swing from my porch eave, sing with the storm. Last year I lived five months under that shrill choir, boxing your house, crowding books into crates, from some pages your own voice crying. Some days the chimes raged. Some days they hung still. They fretted when I dug up the lily I gave you in April, blooming, strangely, in fall. Together, they scolded me when I counted pennies you left in each can, cup, and drawer, when I rechecked the closets for remnants of you. The last day, the house empty, resonant with space, the two chimes had nothing to toll for. I walked out, took them down, carried our mute spirits home.

Eyes wide like an owl’s, an aspirin-pale face foretells in lamplight how it accumulates age. Somewhat masked, somewhat naked, there’s no way to know what others see when looking at it. All five of the body’s senses crowd on this small planet a weather of hair surrounds. My face is not a democracy—the eyes are tyrants and the ears are radical dissenters. In the conversations of eyebrows, mine are whispers. Like the window at night, the face reflects too, uncertain how to change when greeting itself (and is it not cruel when another’s face won’t reflect acknowledgment of you?). My mother, my father, and my brother are found in the blurring of feature and expression. Cynicism finds no purchase here; the same cannot be said for sadness (and look deeper—anger hides in the jaw). And while the nose quietly broods like an actor rehearsing his soliloquy, the empty page of the forehead, when I raise my brows, fills suddenly with questions.

And all this while I have been playing with toys A toy power station a toy automobile a house of blocks And all this while far off in other lands Thousands and thousands, millions and millions— You know—you see the pictures Women carrying their bony infants Men sobbing over graves Buildings sculpted by explosion Earth wasted bare and rotten— And all this while I have been shopping, I have Been let us say free And do they hate me for it Do they hate me

One hand slops suds on, one hustles them down like a blind. Brusque noon glare, filtered thus, loosens and glows. For five or six minutes he owns the place, dismal coffee bar, and us, its huddled underemployed. A blade, black line against the topmost glass, begins, slices off the outer lather, flings it away, works inward, corrals the frothy middle, and carves, with quick cuts, the stuff down, not looking for anything, beneath or inside. Homes to the last, cleans its edges, grooms it for the end, then shaves it off and flings it away. Which is splendid, and merciless. And all in the wrist. Then, he looks at us. We makers of filth, we splashers and spitters. We sitters and watchers. Who like to see him work. Who love it when he leaves and gives it back: our grim hideout, half spoiled by clarity.

1 The lean hands of wagon men put out pointing fingers here, picked this crossway, put it on a map, set up their sawbucks, fixed their shotguns, found a hitching place for the pony express, made a hitching place for the iron horse, the one-eyed horse with the fire-spit head, found a homelike spot and said, “Make a home,” saw this corner with a mesh of rails, shuttling people, shunting cars, shaping the junk of the earth to a new city. The hands of men took hold and tugged And the breaths of men went into the junk And the junk stood up into skyscrapers and asked: Who am I? Am I a city? And if I am what is my name? And once while the time whistles blew and blew again The men answered: Long ago we gave you a name, Long ago we laughed and said: You? Your name is Chicago. Early the red men gave a name to the river, the place of the skunk, the river of the wild onion smell, Shee-caw-go. Out of the payday songs of steam shovels, Out of the wages of structural iron rivets, The living lighted skyscrapers tell it now as a name, Tell it across miles of sea blue water, gray blue land: I am Chicago, I am a name given out by the breaths of working men, laughing men, a child, a belonging. So between the Great Lakes, The Grand De Tour, and the Grand Prairie, The living lighted skyscrapers stand, Spotting the blue dusk with checkers of yellow, streamers of smoke and silver, parallelograms of night-gray watchmen, Singing a soft moaning song: I am a child, a belonging. 6 The wheelbarrows grin, the shovels and the mortar hoist an exploit. The stone shanks of the Monadnock, the Transportation, the People’s Gas Building, stand up and scrape at the sky. The wheelbarrows sing, the bevels and the blueprints whisper. The library building named after Crerar, naked as a stock farm silo, light as a single eagle feather, stripped like an airplane propeller, takes a path up. Two cool new rivets says, “Maybe it is morning.” “God knows.” Put the city up; tear the city down; put it up again; let us find a city. Let us remember the little violet-eyed man who gave all, praying, “Dig and dream, dream and hammer, till your city comes.” Every day the people sleep and the city dies; every day the people shake loose, awake and build the city again. The city is a tool chest opened every day, a time clock punched every morning, a shop door, bunkers and overalls counting every day. The city is a balloon and a bubble plaything shot to the sky every evening, whistled in a ragtime jig down the sunset. The city is made, forgotten, and made again, trucks hauling it away haul it back steered by drivers whistling ragtime against the sunsets. Every day the people get up and carry the city, carry the bunkers and balloons of the city, lift it and put it down. “I will die as many times as you make me over again, says the city to the people, I am the woman, the home, the family, I get breakfast and pay the rent; I telephone the doctor, the milkman, the undertaker; I fix the streets for your first and your last ride— Come clean with me, come clean or dirty, I am stone and steel of your sleeping numbers; I remember all you forget. I will die as many times as you make me over again.” Under the foundations, Over the roofs, The bevels and the blueprints talk it over. The wind of the lake shore waits and wanders. The heave of the shore wind hunches the sand piles. The winkers of the morning stars count out cities And forget the numbers.

In fresh snow that fell on old snow I see wild roses in bloom, springtime, an orchard of apple and peach trees in bloom, lovers of different preferences walking naked in new snow, not shivering, no illusion, no delusion, no bluebells. Why should I live by reality that murders? I wear a coat of hope and desire. I follow fallen maple leaves abducted by the wind. I declare I am a Not Quite, almost a nonentity. I fought for that “almost.” I lift up and button my collar of hope. I simply refuse to leave the universe. I’m all the aunts in my father’s house and all my uncles too. I had fifty great-great-grand-grandmothers who got to Paradise, like Enoch, without dying. Once my friends and I went out in deep paradise snow with Saint Bernards and Great Pyrenees to find those lost in the blizzard that God made for Himself because He prefers not seeing what happens on earth. With touch He can hear, taste, smell, see, and He has fourteen other senses there are no words for. Memory, He said, is a sense, not a power. Who am I to disagree with Him? There are some vegetarians among you, so I will tell you what He eats. It’s green, and cows and sheep eat it too. He picks His teeth. I think I heard Him say, “Gentlemen don’t void in swimming pools or the ocean. I like your dirty jokes, I prefer them in meter.” He told me to carry on. I thought “On” was a Norse god. He said, “No, it’s just a burden that gets heavier, the burden makes you stronger.” “Isn’t on the Japanese debt to ancestors?” I countered. He resents hearing the prayers and praise of sycophants. “How come you are speaking to me?” I asked. He speaks Silence, languages I call “Night” and “Day.” His politics? “Nations” to Him are “a form of masturbation.” Original blasphemy amuses Him, describes His coitus with living creatures, mothers, His self, a whale, a male praying mantis dying to mate. He likes to hear, “do unto others what you would not want others to do unto you.” Instead of a prayer rug, I stitch Him a pillow of false proverbs: “in the house of the hangman talk of rope.” I asked Him if I ever did anything he liked. “You planted eggplant too close to the cucumbers and they married. I blessed that wedding, sent roses by another name.” “How come you speak to me?” I asked. He said He was not speaking to me, “Consult Coleridge on the Imagination.” He waved, He did not say goodbye.

rings diminish, duck reflects flight then threads off Long branch of land, rusted oaks smoldering fawn shore, grasses bare scripts of green black fingerbones of the willows, splayed rubric fringe of the reeds at the edge of water The reflection is its own blurred dream The blended edges, furred thing tawny path of stalks brushed into gray slope behind Bright yellow mostly gone now, the dominance of dulled bronze, ochrous, ferrous grooves of the several oaks The wrought planes and hinges of things Strange, held-off symmetry, axis of waterline rubbed, smeared, edge-shifted What is real then made more so through an intervention of element The chipmunk’s tail jerks in synch with its mouth-pops Stares hard at me from a dead willow stump Who are you and what have you done? Things moving in the leaves behind me. Dog barks from far across fields Single bird oars across lake The sky deep in: dark oxygens crimp of leaf edging in dried weed stalk miniature seedpods held forward calligraphic against gray water, white stones chipmunk-rustle, upturn duff, chirp storm whirl off, hold still hold still Gravity picks and fidgets How each blade and bract is angled just so arches, etched kerns scroll of deft beech leaf Baroque script of dried vines their wall of texture coming down Crows burr into woods fish plinks through and slacks under ducks quilt across sky, through sky-water mottled beads hovering, unchaining Reflection is a real thing set in perpetual motion, as if electron spinning and jittering made visible the static progressions The waving laminations of white stone the wandering rift through the pulse-veins Breathing thing, made to breathe, graven so Now the delicate hammers pure cuts of bird steel rings reassembling Quit path under oak Something moves off a dark road Deep-embroidered quiet the tickets slip thicket in meter-tick of duck taking off keep close, brush close to surface furl between bird and mirror-bird I am vested in sensation a suspension of yellow maple amid stalks of oak distillate of leaves saffron particulate Deep sea of trees, fanned tops of oak corals, collective bend fast tappers high up flapping across water back up the damp trough trees closing in two deer pick across, turn back clatter through woods encircling

I tell my secret? No indeed, not I; Perhaps some day, who knows? But not today; it froze, and blows and snows, And you’re too curious: fie! You want to hear it? well: Only, my secret’s mine, and I won’t tell. Or, after all, perhaps there’s none: Suppose there is no secret after all, But only just my fun. Today’s a nipping day, a biting day; In which one wants a shawl, A veil, a cloak, and other wraps: I cannot ope to everyone who taps, And let the draughts come whistling thro’ my hall; Come bounding and surrounding me, Come buffeting, astounding me, Nipping and clipping thro’ my wraps and all. I wear my mask for warmth: who ever shows His nose to Russian snows To be pecked at by every wind that blows? You would not peck? I thank you for good will, Believe, but leave the truth untested still. Spring’s an expansive time: yet I don’t trust March with its peck of dust, Nor April with its rainbow-crowned brief showers, Nor even May, whose flowers One frost may wither thro’ the sunless hours. Perhaps some languid summer day, When drowsy birds sing less and less, And golden fruit is ripening to excess, If there’s not too much sun nor too much cloud, And the warm wind is neither still nor loud, Perhaps my secret I may say, Or you may guess.

1 But I was thinking today about our conversation earlier in the summer. Exhausted, you lay your head on the kitchen table and said: “But what’s the difference between a monster and a cyborg? I need something to eat. Do you have any chocolate?” Opening the fridge, I said quietly and perhaps too seriously, trying to impress you: “The monster is that being who refuses to adapt to her circumstances.” Her fate. Her body. Great Britain. You said: “So, is Laloo English or British?” I said: “She’s from London.” But the more I said London, the more it sounded like a joke. LondonLondonLondon. 2 I was thinking today about what happens when you keep going in a car. This is something you can only do here. Wish for something. Did you ever do it? Wish you weren’t there? I want that go on, go even though it is unclear to me what happens when you get to the Panama Canal or Idaho. Hitchhiking in Idaho as a veritable child, I was taken in by a farming couple, Fatty and Daddy, a hundred miles or so outside of Boise. Fatty was rail thin, about seventy-five, and Daddy was a big man who had a reclining chair in each room and looked younger than his wife. They picked me up in their truck—I was sitting by the side of the road brushing the knots out of my hair with my fingers—and I stayed with them for five days. They said it was not the right thing for me to be in the open like that, and they took me to eat every day at a restaurant called Country Buffet. In my innocence, I had been walking on a road that led to the country compound of a KKK leader/operative, Charles Reynold. What is an operative? It is someone who is always planning a way in, like the hen-house fox with his beautifully red, bushy tail. Daddy, Fatty, and I hunkered down until Daddy’s nephew, Robert, stopped by on his way through nowhere and gave me a ride to Boise proper, where there was a bus station. I waited until Robert had gone and then I walked out to the main drag to get a cup of coffee and interview murderers. “I can take you as far as the state line.” “That would be lovely.” Obsessed, far from home with its gooseberry patches and grim professions based upon openings at Heathrow Airport or Nestle, the main employers in the dingy part of northwest London that constituted my origins, I said yes. Soft yes to the color green, which is going. 3 That is a tree (going) but also an ocean: a way of being saturated with color that only happens here in your country for me; for you it might happen in another place. Mine. Like Laloo, I lived for many years on an island with congested traffic flows. Thus, a juniper tree flying by the window, intensely blue, or the Atlantic Ocean, to the left, if the car has a destination to the south, such as to The Keys, is magical to me. Improbable in light of my origins. Hers. The girl in the car. I don’t know. I am writing to you, in your special writing dress made from scraps of lace as if it (the dress, the morning of writing ahead of you) is a café; as if, writing, you are hypnotizing not only the biologies of strangers and friends but also yourself. For this reason, when I think of you reading, I think of you as writing blindly. You read but you are also writing. As if my own eyes were closed, I see your white books floating in the sky above my painting of the red girl. These books are separate from my own work, here in the salt-water notebook, but they communicate with it in a nonlocal sense. Like birds. 4 This is pre but the notebook is after. Soaked already at the edge and foamy. Past future. Writing on the warp when dry. Pages. Entries by hand. That is the morning I woke up and walked to the Pacific Ocean, after a night in a motel in Florence, Oregon, complete with a dodgy door and the reality of pillows. The woman at the front desk was wearing a very pretty apron with purple and yellow flowers on it. An expatriate, she said exaggeratedly, oblivious to our common origin: “About four miles. You’re not going to walk, are you? Do you have an umbrella? You can’t go out like that, ducky.” 5 I walked towards the sound of something roaring in a day, the kind of day that is like darkness but lit up, on its forested, proximal verge by gorse, which is a bright yellow flower. Citron-yellow and a kind of tin or silver roofing with holes in it. The day. Like walking in a dreamed landscape drenched with the wrong rain. Monsoon. What kind of rain is this? I recognized the immensity but not the temperature. This was monstrous: the inability to assimilate, on the level of the senses, an ordinary experience of weather. Here is the tongue, for example, constantly darting out to feel the air: what is it? Is it summer? Is it a different season? It’s a different day. That’s okay. Damaged from her travels, in some sense unsettled, enormously anxious, a girl does it anway: gets up and goes. It’s as if the day has a memory of her and not the other way around.

making promises they can’t keep. For you, Grandmother, I said I would pull each invading burr and thistle from your skin, cut out the dizzy brittle eucalypt, take from the ground the dark oily poison– all to restore you happy and proud, the whole of you transformed and bursting into tomorrow. But where do I cut first? Where should I begin to pull? Should it be the Russian thistle down the hill where backhoes have bitten? Or African senecio or tumbleweed bouncing above the wind? Or the middle finger of my right hand? Or my left eye or the other one? Or a slice from the small of my back, a slab of fat from my thigh? I am broken as much as any native ground, my roots tap a thousand migrations. My daughters were never born, I am as much the invader as the native, as much the last day of life as the first. I presumed you to be as bitter as me, to tremble and rage against alien weight. Who should blossom? Who should receive pollen? Who should be rooted, who pruned, who watered, who picked? Should I feed the white-faced cattle who wait for the death train to come or comb the wild seeds from their tails? Who should return across the sea or the Bering Strait or the world before this one or the Mother Ground? Who should go screaming to some other planet, burn up or melt in a distant sun? Who should be healed and who hurt? Who should dry under summer’s white sky, who should shrivel at the first sign of drought? Who should be remembered? Who should be the sterile chimera of earth and of another place, alien with a native face, native with an alien face?