Amy Lowell

What torture lurks within a single thought When grown too constant; and however kind, However welcome still, the weary mind Aches with its presence. Dull remembrance taught Remembers on unceasingly; unsought The old delight is with us but to find That all recurring joy is pain refined, Become a habit, and we struggle, caught. You lie upon my heart as on a nest, Folded in peace, for you can never know How crushed I am with having you at rest Heavy upon my life. I love you so You bind my freedom from its rightful quest. In mercy lift your drooping wings and go.

I I wandered through a house of many rooms. It grew darker and darker, Until, at last, I could only find my way By passing my fingers along the wall. Suddenly my hand shot through an open window, And the thorn of a rose I could not see Pricked it so sharply That I cried aloud. II I dug a grave under an oak-tree. With infinite care, I stamped my spade Into the heavy grass. The sod sucked it, And I drew it out with effort, Watching the steel run liquid in the moonlight As it came clear. I stooped, and dug, and never turned, For behind me, On the dried leaves, My own face lay like a white pebble, Waiting. III I gambled with a silver money. The dried seed-vessels of “honesty” Were stacked in front of me. Dry, white years slipping through my fingers One by one. One by one, gathered by the Croupier. “Faites vos jeux, Messieurs.” I staked on the red, And the black won. Dry years, Dead years; But I had a system, I always staked on the red. IV I painted the leaves of bushes red And shouted: “Fire! Fire!” But the neighbors only laughed. “We cannot warm our hands at them,” they said. Then they cut down my bushes, And made a bonfire, And danced about it. But I covered my face and wept, For ashes are not beautiful Even in the dawn. V I followed a procession of singing girls Who danced to the glitter of tambourines. Where the street turned at a lighted corner, I caught the purple dress of one of the dancers, But, as I grasped it, it tore, And the purple dye ran from it Like blood Upon the ground. VI I wished to post a letter, But although I paid much, Still the letter was overweight. “What is in this package?” said the clerk, “It is very heavy.” “Yes,” I said, “And yet it is only a dried fruit.” VII I had made a kite, On it I had pasted golden stars And white torches, And the tail was spotted scarlet like a tiger-lily, And very long. I flew my kite, And my soul was contented Watching it flash against the concave of the sky. My friends pointed at the clouds; They begged me to take in my kite. But I was happy Seeing the mirror shock of it Against the black clouds. Then the lightning came And struck the kite. It puffed—blazed—fell. But still I walked on, In the drowning rain, Slowly winding up the string.

O You, Who came upon me once Stretched under apple-trees just after bathing, Why did you not strangle me before speaking Rather than fill me with the wild white honey of your words And then leave me to the mercy Of the forest bees.

Oblong, its jutted ends rounding into circles, The old sunken basin lies with its flat, marble lip An inch below the terrace tiles. Over the stagnant water Slide reflections: The blue-green of coned yews; The purple and red of trailing fuchsias Dripping out of marble urns; Bright squares of sky Ribbed by the wake of a swimming beetle. Through the blue-bronze water Wavers the pale uncertainty of a shadow. An arm flashes through the reflections, A breast is outlined with leaves. Outstretched in the quiet water The statue of a Goddess slumbers. But when Autumn comes The beech leaves cover her with a golden counter-pane.

The day is fresh-washed and fair, and there is a smell of tulips and narcissus in the air. The sunshine pours in at the bath-room window and bores through the water in the bath-tub in lathes and planes of greenish-white. It cleaves the water into flaws like a jewel, and cracks it to bright light. Little spots of sunshine lie on the surface of the water and dance, dance, and their reflections wobble deliciously over the ceiling; a stir of my finger sets them whirring, reeling. I move a foot and the planes of light in the water jar. I lie back and laugh, and let the green-white water, the sun-flawed beryl water, flow over me. The day is almost too bright to bear, the green water covers me from the too bright day. I will lie here awhile and play with the water and the sun spots. The sky is blue and high. A crow flaps by the window, and there is a whiff of tulips and narcissus in the air.

All day I have watched the purple vine leaves Fall into the water. And now in the moonlight they still fall, But each leaf is fringed with silver.

Why do you subdue yourself in golds and purples? Why do you dim yourself with folded silks? Do you not see that I can buy brocades in any draper’s shop, And that I am choked in the twilight of all these colors. How pale you would be, and startling— How quiet; But your curves would spring upward Like a clear jet of flung water, You would quiver like a shot-up spray of water, You would waver, and relapse, and tremble. And I too should tremble, Watching. Murex-dyes and tinsel— And yet I think I could bear your beauty unshaded.

The chatter of little people Breaks on my purpose Like the water-drops which slowly wear the rocks to powder. And while I laugh My spirit crumbles at their teasing touch.