13 Daughter poems

What woke to war in me those years When my daughter had first grown into A solid self-centered self? I’d watch her Sit at the table—well, not quite sit, More like stand on one leg while The other knee hovered just over the chair. She wouldn't lower herself, as if There might be a fire, or a great black Blizzard of waves let loose in the kitchen, And she'd need to make her escape. No, She'd trust no one but herself, her own New lean always jittering legs to carry her— Where exactly? Where would a child go? To there. There alone. She'd rest one elbow On the table—the opposite one to the bent leg Skimming the solid expensive tasteful chair. And even though we were together, her eyes Would go half-dome, shades dropped Like a screen at some cinema the old aren't Let into. I thought I'd have more time! I thought My body would have taken longer going About the inevitable feat of repelling her, But now, I could see even in what food She left untouched, food I'd bought and made And all but ferried to her lips, I could see How it smacked of all that had grown slack And loose in me. Her other arm Would wave the fork around just above The surface of the plate, casting about For the least possible morsel, the tiniest Grain of unseasoned rice. She'd dip Into the food like one of those shoddy Metal claws poised over a valley of rubber Bouncing balls, the kind that lifts nothing Or next to nothing and drops it in the chute. The narrow untouched hips. The shoulders Still so naïve as to stand squared, erect, Impervious facing the window open Onto the darkening dusk.

We said she was a negative image of me because of her lightness. She's light and also passage, the glory in my cortex. Daughter, where did you get all that goddess? Her eyes are Neruda's two dark pools at twilight. Sometimes she's a stranger in my home because I hadn't imagined her. Who will her daughter be? She and I are the gradual ebb of my mother's darkness. I unfurl the ribbon of her life, and it's a smooth long hallway, doors flung open. Her surface is a deflection is why. Harm on her, harm on us all. Inside her, my grit and timbre, my reckless.

#1 [COLLEGE] We packed your satchel with sweatshirts, Soccer equipment, and The Elements of Style, Loaded up the Hum Vee, a sad drive to JFK And the cross-country flight to starting college, where fortunately due to Advanced Placement Courses you’ve already been awarded your MFA And published your first book. As we pulled out of the driveway, I slammed On the brakes, and not on account of Jubilation, The neighbor’s cat. “Stacey,” I said, “we have jumped the gun.” “I didn’t know we had a gun, Pops,” you said. “This is a figure of speech, a melonaphore. But you can’t go to college yet, Stacey, you’re barely by my count five years old.” “That’s all right, Daddy-O, nice try. But my name’s not Stacey.” #2 [PUPPY] Love this puppy and your love will be repaid. I can’t stress how little this will teach you about life. Which it will. Which is a lot. Sometimes, when you’re sad, I won’t know what to say. Desire will cut into the bone. So much we need to cover before you’re on your own. This is a tea kettle, where goldfish won’t feel at home. When I was your age, before you were born, A war was almost certainly about to break out. The Russians turned out to be just like us, Only worse drivers, which is a lot like us, too. I had a pet once, too, you know. An accordion. Very tough to train, stained with fluids as it was About which nothing further need be said. Your questions matter. No, they really do. I have no clue as to the white carnations, No reason to suppose the stars were not meant for you. #3 [FISH] “Do fish sleep?” I am so glad you asked. Once Upon a time fish did not even catnap. Childhood has reached a certain point. More specific than that, I cannot be, Or less. When you drive to Chartres You can see it coming at you far away. Never pass up a cathedral if you can. Drink lots of water with the strawberries. Leap before you look too hard, which makes Things swim in your head, like fish that never sleep. #4 [BIRDS…] “Time’s come to talk to you about the birds.” “And the bees?” “What do you know about the bees?” “Was just asking.” “A falcon is one bird you can’t keep in a cage, I can’t explain why, though I might point To history for many instructive precedents.” “You have trouble explaining, Dad.” “Anyway, what I like about birds is, they’re much Like dreams—they fly in through a window Where you didn’t know there was a window before.” “I get it. We open to the known and discover Mysteries left in their place, like putting under the pillow A tooth that fell out and you come up with the cash When you need it in the morning, for school.” “Let’s stay focussed, Amy.” “Sure, Reginald.” “I mind it that you call me Reginald, who’s he?” “Someday, Dad, I may fall in love.” “Let’s go back to the birds. I don’t want to say Love is for the ornithologists, though such thoughts occur. Maybe the real topic is experience.” “I knew that.” “When?” “You told me.” “I never.” “Didn’t have to.” “That’s how, you just know?” “Life’s a vale of tears, Pops, except when it’s not.” “Hence, sweetheart, some birds thrive in cages.” “Name three.” “I want you to try on some wings. I want you to take flight. Like the day I gave birth…” “What?” “The day I gave birth to you was the day of days.” “You feeling OK?” “The epidural worked like a charm, I felt like I was swimming in air.” “I think you’re confused.” “I wouldn’t be the first, but when they handed you to me You nursed till you fell asleep.” “You’re talking about love.” “And some bees sting.” #5 [BOND] Once we had a bond, a sacred trust. I carried you on my shoulders, we watched The finches dart and feed, I read The Odyssey To you, which OK was a stretch, but who cared You did not exist? Certainly, not me. But take the example of Homer. Would you just give me a chance? There’s an old dog called Argus Who waits for the hero to show before he dies. I’m getting to the point. If we never had a dog I would wait for you to arrive from a journey Forced upon you by chance and fate. You see, the whole thing’s about waiting. There you are off-stage readying yourself For a grand entrance into a life none of us Heretofore presumed. I myself ache Barometrically in concert with the coming storms. If you never are, I have something left over Even if it’s only me, watching you wade in, as if You were a great swimmer and this world another shore.