A. Van Jordan

In my car, driving through Black Mountain, North Carolina, I listen to what sounds like Doris Day shooting heroin inside Sly Stone’s throat. One would think that she fights to get out, but she wants to stay free in this skin.Fresh, The Family Stone’s album, came out in ’73, but I didn’t make sense of it till ’76, sixth grade for me, the Bicentennial, I got my first kiss that year, I beat up the class bully; I was the man. But for now, in my head, it’s only ’73 and I’m a little boy again, listening to Sly and his Family covering Doris’s hit, driving down I-40; a cop pulls me over to ask why I’m here, in his town, with my Yankee tags. I let him ask a series of questions about what kind of work I do, what brings me to town—you know the kind of questions that tell you this has nothing to do with driving a car. My hands want to ball into fists. But, instead, I tell myself to write a letter to the Chief of Police, to give him something to laugh at over his morning paper, as I try to recall the light in Doris Day’s version of “Que Sera Sera”—without the wail troubling the notes in the duet of Sly and Cynthia’s voices. Hemingway meant to define courage by the nonchalance you exude while taking cover within your flesh, even at the risk of losing what some would call a melody; I call it the sound of home. Like when a song gets so far out on a solo you almost don’t recognize it, but then you get back to the hook, you suddenly recognize the tune and before you know it, you’re putting your hands together; you’re on your feet— because you recognize a sound, like a light, leading you back home to a color: rust. You must remember rust—not too red, not too orange—not fire or overnight change, but a simmering-summer change in which children play till they tire and grown folks sit till they grow edgy or neighborhood dogs bite those not from your neigborhood and someone with some sense says Down, Boy, or you hope someone has some sense who’s outside or who owns the dog and then the sky turns rust and the streetlights buzz on and someone’s mother, must be yours, says You see those streetlights on don’t you, and then everybody else’s mother comes out and says the same thing and the sky is rust so you know you got about ten minutes before she comes back out and embarrasses you in front of your friends; ten minutes to get home before you eat and watch the Flip Wilson Show or Sanford and Son and it’s time for bed. And it’s rust you need to remember when the cop asks, What kind of work you do? It’s rust you need to remember: the smell of summer rain on the sidewalk and the patina on wrought-iron railings on your front porch with rust patches on them, and the smell of fresh mowed grass and gasoline and sweat of your childhood as he takes a step back when you tell him you’re a poet teaching English down the road at the college, when he takes a step back— to assure you, know, that this has nothing to do with race, but the rust of a community he believes he keeps safe, and he says Have a Good One, meaning day as he swaggers back to his car, and the color of the day and the face behind sunglasses and the hands on his hips you’ll always remember come back gunmetal gray for the rest of this rusty afternoon. So you roll up the window and turn the music back on, and try to remember the rust caught in Sly’s throat— when the song came out in ’73, although I didn’t get it till ’76, sixth grade for me, the Bicentennial; I got my first kiss that year. I beat up the class bully. I was the man.

DC Comics, November 1990, #44 “Never Look Back, Flash Your Life Might Be Gaining On You” When I’m running across the city on the crowded streets to home, when, in a blur, the grass turns brown beneath my feet, the asphalt steams under every step and the maple leaves sway on the branches in my wake, and the people look, look in that bewildered way, in my direction, I imagine walking slowly into my past among them at a pace at which we can look one another in the eye and begin to make changes in the future from our memories of the past— the bottom of a bottomless well, you may think, but why not dream a little: our past doesn’t contradict our future; they’re swatches of the same fabric stretching across our minds, one image sewn into another, like the relationship between a foot and a boot, covariant in space and time— one moves along with the other, like an actor in a shadow play— like a streak of scarlet light across the skyline of your city sweeping the debris, which is simply confetti, candy wrappers, a can of soda, all the experience of a day discarded and now picked up even down to the youthful screams of play that put smiles on the faces of the adults who hear remnants of their own voices through a doorway leading back to a sunrise they faintly remember.