Chungmi Kim

My sin is an act of cruelty depriving myself of worldly desires. Locked in a rented room I sit all day, listening to the murmurs of many-headed visions. Cockroaches are my temporary friends dwelling in their underground castles. The ocean is my mother I visit in need of love and companionship. She only listens to my laughs and cries like God in presence. Old wounds all over again come hand in hand off and on like jealous friends wanting someone else’s credit. Under a lamp in the night I meet a unicorn sitting in my mirror.

She sees the mountain upside down. With her long hair sweeping the fallen leaves she swings like a pendulum. From the lagoon at sunset a hundred sparrows fly away. Wishing them back she whistles softly. And downward she falls into the sky.

Awakened from a dream, I curl up and turn. The roses on the dresser smile and your words bloom. The red roses for Valentine’s Day. Like in a film thoughts of you unfold moment by moment. I vaguely hear the sound of your spoon scooping cereal the water stream in the shower the buzzing noise of your electric razor like a singing of cicada. Your footsteps in and out of the bedroom. Your lips touching my cheek lightly. And the sound of the door shutting. In your light I fall asleep again under the warm quilt happily like a child. Upon waking on the kitchen counter I find a half grapefruit carefully cut and sectioned. Such a loving touch is a milestone for my newly found happiness.

I painted a phoenix in bright colors cut it in nine pieces and cooked it in a pot at the mountaintop. I stirred it as if cranking reels of a movie. Unraveled were a series of faces in mosaic. Kurosawa appeared. He asked me what my story was about. Tongue-tied, I could not answer. He handed me a token with a silvery eagle engraved, ready to fly. How real I thought everything was in my dream! In my waking hour, I see the remnant of the war between my head and heart. Now in cease-fire, my chest is filled with the fresh breeze of serenity. I begin to breathe gently as my story is unraveled like in a movie. No longer haunted, my love of God soars as I see my guardian angel smile in the clear blue sky, transforming to one gigantic phoenix. My wandering in the wilderness of the mind has taught me a little wisdom. I believe my dreams are real as my life is a dream.

If I must worry about how I will live in my old age without wealth I would be without health now and how can I live to be old? If I must worry about how I will live in my old age without love I would be without dreams now and how can I go on living another day? Allow me to sit in the sun and listen to the sky. I will love you gently. Allow me to stay in my room and weave my rainbows. I will love you truly. Like a colt in the meadow with no boundary allow me to wander around till I hear the autumn stealthily strolling by my door. I will be waiting to be with you then.