Ernest Hilbert

Crooks run the whole world, and the Dow just fell. Crap rules the airwaves. All your best plans stall. The air is dirty, and you don’t feel well. Your wife won’t listen. Friends no longer call. Sad songs from youth no longer cast a spell. Cancer research has run into a wall. Some inflated hack just won the Nobel. You witness clear signs of decline and fall. The neighbors are cold, and your house won’t sell. Your cat has bad teeth. Your paychecks feel small. Maybe you’re really sick. It’s hard to tell. Up ahead, traffic has slowed to a crawl. The world didn’t just start going to hell. You just noticed for the first time, that’s all.

Maybe you’ve heard about this. Maybe not. A man came home and chucked his girlfriend’s cat In the wood chipper. This really happened. Dinner wasn’t ready on time. A lot Of other little things went wrong. He spat On her father, who came out when he learned About it. He also broke her pinky, Stole her checks, and got her sister pregnant. But she stood by him, stood strong, through it all, Because she loved him. She loved him, you see. She actually said that, and then she went And married him. She felt some unique call. Don’t try to understand what another Person means by love. Don’t even bother.

“Philadelphia isn’t as bad as Philadelphians say it is.” —Billboard on Interstate 95 Paris in the Spring, Autumn in New York, Singers pair a city with a season As though it belonged to it all year long. They should try to put a few more to work: Trenton in winter needs a good reason; Scranton in summer seems so very wrong. How about Cincinnati in the spring? Autumn in Passaic, or in Oakland? Some cities just lack glamour and appeal, And there is no point arguing the thing. No one reads through stacks of brochures to spend A honeymoon in Allentown. Let’s get real. Most places on the map, you must believe, No one wants to visit, only to leave.