Joe Brainard

"After a white reception in the crystal room of the Hotel Kenmore, Mrs. George Eustic (Patricia Hays) and her husband left on a wedding trip to the Pocono Mountains, Pa. They will live in good old Noodleville." (Home.) Where the friendly purple heart is. I like to do things. I like to eat, and things like that. I like the things that go on around me. People are nice. And, really, I like this place I live in. However, some people don't. Sally doesn't. Sick at heart, the trembling girl shuddered at the words that delivered her to this terrible horrible fate of the East. "Nasty!" How could she escape from this oriental monster into whose hands she had fallen—this strange man whose face none had seen. Smile! It is only a little picture, In a little silver frame, And across the back is written My darling mother's name. (Valentine) Pink and purple and orange ones with Venetian rose buds Imported from Venetian In eleven thrilling volumes I heard a shot—I saw him run—then I saw her fall—the woman I love. My leg was broken—and my gun was gone! I had only one thought—(tee! hee!)—his strange, astounding plots must be avenged—he must die for a coward at my hands! He had the courage of a lion and the cunning of a rat. He came running towards me when—suddenly, I— Ran. Forgetting the ripped lace, $35, green violence, & free samples. "I always run when I hear 3 rings!" . . . and remember those swell picnics in Birch Grove?

Did you know that Kenneth Koch's wife Janice used to be an airplane pilot? Once she had to make an emergency landing on a highway. When Kenward Elmslie was a kid he wanted to be a tap dancer. Did you know that Kenward's grandfather was Joseph Pulitzer? Kenward once told me that Jane Russell is a dyke. Andy Warhol wanted to be a tap dancer when he was a kid too. D. D. Ryan wanted to be a ballerina. Did you know that Pat Padgett was Ted Berrigan's girlfriend for years before she married Ron? Ron Padgett and I were in the same 1st grade class together in school in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Ron's father, Wayne, was a notorious bootlegger in Tulsa until Oklahoma went wet. A few years ago Ron's father got divorced and married a beautiful Las Vegas showgirl younger than Ron's wife Pat. Did you know that Bill Berkson was once bat boy for the Yankees? Ted Berrigan married his wife Sandy after having only known her for five days. Did you know that the first poems John Ashbery ever had published were published in Poetry magazine under the name of Joel Symington? Did you know that Bill Berkson was on the "1oo Best Dressed Men" list of 1967? Rudy Burckhardt once dated Miss Vermont of 1938. Donald Droll is in some way related to Daniel Boone. Frank O'Hara once told me that what he really wanted to be was a concert pianist. Did you know that Harry Mathews started out to be a com- poser? He studied at the Juilliard School of Music. Edwin Denby was born in China. Anne Waldman's father wrote a book called Rapid Reading Made Simple. Tom Veitch's father writes Christmas card verse. When I was a kid I wanted to be a fashion designer, a minister, and an artist. Peter Schjeldahl's father is very famous in the plastic area. He discovered the new lightweight plastic used in Bufferin bottles. Soon he hopes to open a contraceptive factory in Red China. Did you know that Bill Berkson was once on I Remember Mama? D. D. Ryan went to see The Boys in the Band with Jackie Kennedy just a week before she married Onassis. John Ashbery was a quiz kid. Kenneth Koch once won the Glasscock Award. Did you know that Ron Padgett has blebs on his lung which may explode at any moment? They have exploded twice already. Tina Louise once sang "I'm in the Mood for Love" to Bill Berkson over London broils at P. J. Clarke's. Did you know that Ted Berrigan did his thesis at Tulsa University on George Bernard Shaw? Did you know that the Katz Tumor is named after Ada Katz who discovered it? Edwin Denby once performed in Berlin's "Wintergarten" billed as "Der Amerikanische Grotesktaenzer Dumby." Yvonne Burckhardt was the backstroke swimming cham- pion of Connecticut for one week. When I lived in Boston I used to panhandle on the street where all of the art galleries were, and I got my cigarette butts from the urns in front of the Museum of Fine Arts. Did you know that Ted Berrigan's first book of poems,A Lily for My Love, was published by the Lenox Bar in Providence, Rd. Island? Greta Garbo once called Bill Berkson her ice cream man. I once went to a "come as your favorite person" party as Marilyn Monroe. Did you know that John Ashbery once worked in a cherry canning factory?

I Joe You lie About pineapples There are none under anywhere I look I see I find only dirty tulips Or orchid ribbons Orange With big black words A royal sky: It lets one see And what a good thing a white shirt is! Nice Nice to see red by night to know pink well to understand yellow birds to realize black and white Terribly nice Mirrors are Nice (Terribly) To see by To see by me You I love I love Indians pen points Hungarian plaster sweetmeats five A nice number to love by If feather pillows didn't leak Out onto green floors Where normal shoes belong With blue socks With white stripes And Boston newspapers All about news And things I like I like fried chicken smashed 'taters thickin' gravy not biscuits an' chawklit pie wif mushmeller toppin' And I simply love horoscope! (Crunch) The sky is aflame! Red (A jet of anti-matter gas is exploding harmfully against the upper atmosphere) But tomorrow is Tuesday And I shall see the four seasons on one branch of pink trees displaying Ivory lilies insisting Upon white privacy (Or they threaten not to root at all) I, personally, vote for blue And to hell with Easter I prefer red and green mother Christmas black birds of passion sunsets that consume pink nuns and salty peanuts and Renoir who bores me But most of all I like shoe polish And the big sun rises over Delhi. . . .

Death is a funny thing. Most people are afraid of it, and yet they don't even know what it is. Perhaps we can clear this up. What is death? Death is it. That's it. Finished. "Finito." Over and out. No more. Death is many different things to many different people. I think it is safe to say, however, that most people don't like it. Why? Because they are afraid of it. Why are they afraid of it? Because they don't understand it. I think that the best way to try to understand death is to think about it a lot. Try to come to terms with it. Try to really understand it. Give it a chance! Sometimes it helps if we try to visualize things. Try to visualize, for example, someone sneaking up behind your back and hitting you over the head with a giant hammer. Some people prefer to think of death as a more spiritual thing. Where the soul somehow separates itself from the mess and goes on living forever somewhere else. Heaven and hell being the most traditional choices. Death has a very black reputation but, actually, to die is a perfectly normal thing to do. And it's so wholesome: being a very important part of nature's big picture. Trees die, don't they? And flowers? I think it's always nice to know that you are not alone. Even in death. Let's think about ants for a minute. Millions of ants die every day, and do we care? No. And I'm sure that ants feel the same way about us. But suppose—just suppose—that we didn't have to die. That wouldn't be so great either. If a 90-year-old man can hardly stand up, can you imagine what it would be like to be 500 years old? Another comforting thought about death is that 80 years or so after you die nobody who knew you will still be alive to miss you. And after you're dead, you won't even know it.

WINTER More time is spent at the window. SUMMER You go along from day to day with summer all around you. STORES Stores tell all about people who live in the area. WRITING Others have already written what I would like to write. TODAY Today the sky is so blue it burns. IN THE COUNTRY In the country one can almost hear the silence. THE FOUR SEASONS The four seasons of the year permit us to enjoy things. RECIPE Smear each side of a pork chop with mustard and dredge in flour. BOOK WORM Have always had nose stuck in book from little on. THAT FEELING What defines that feeling one has when gazing at a rock? COSTA RICA It was in Costa Rica I saw my first coffee plantation. HAPPINESS Happiness is nothing more than a state of mind. MONEY Money will buy a fine dog. OUR GOVERNMENT A new program is being introduced by our government. EDWARD On the whole he is a beautiful human being. LAKE A lake attracts a man and wife and members of a family. THE SKY We see so many different things when we look at the sky. A SEXY THOUGHT Male early in the day. POTATOES One can only go so far without potatoes in the kitchen. MOTHER A mother is something we have all had. MODERN TIMES Every four minutes a car comes off the assembly line they say. THE OCEAN Foamy waves wash to shore "treasures" as a sacrifice to damp sand. TODAY High density housing is going on all around us. REAL LIFE I could have screamed the day John proposed winterizing the cottage and living there permanently. ALASKA I am a very cold person here. THE YEAR OF THE WHITE MAN The year of the white man was a year of many beads. LOYALTY Loyalty, I feel, is a very big word. SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT Perhaps in our mad scramble to keep our heads above water we miss the point. HUMAN NATURE Why must we be so intent on destroying everything we touch? COMPANY Winifred was a little relieved when they were gone.