Roald Dahl

One afternoon I said to mummy, “Who is this person in my tummy? “Who must be small and very thin “Or how could he have gotten in?” My mother said from where she sat, “It isn’t nice to talk like that.” “It’s true!” I cried. “I swear it, mummy! “There is a person in my tummy! “He talks to me at night in bed, “He’s always asking to be fed, “Throughout the day, he screams at me, “Demanding sugar buns for tea. “He tells me it is not a sin “To go and raid the biscuit tin. “I know quite well it’s awfully wrong “To guzzle food the whole day long, “But really I can’t help it, mummy, “Not with this person in my tummy.” “You horrid child!” my mother cried. “Admit it right away, you’ve lied!” “You’re simply trying to produce “A silly asinine excuse! “You are the greedy guzzling brat! “And that is why you’re always fat!” I tried once more, “Believe me, mummy, “There is a person in my tummy.” “I’ve had enough!” my mother said, “You’d better go at once to bed!” Just then, a nicely timed event Delivered me from punishment. Deep in my tummy something stirred, And then an awful noise was heard, A snorting grumbling grunting sound That made my tummy jump around. My darling mother nearly died, “My goodness, what was that?” she cried. At once the tummy voice came through, It shouted, “Hey there! Listen you! “I’m getting hungry! I want eats! “I want lots of chocs and sweets! “Get me half a pound of nuts! “Look snappy or I’ll twist your guts!” “That’s him!” I cried. “He’s in my tummy! “So now do you believe me, mummy?” But mummy answered nothing more, For she had fainted on the floor.

In England once there lived a big And wonderfully clever pig. To everybody it was plain That Piggy had a massive brain. He worked out sums inside his head, There was no book he hadn’t read, He knew what made an airplane fly, He knew how engines worked and why. He knew all this, but in the end One question drove him round the bend: He simply couldn’t puzzle out What LIFE was really all about. What was the reason for his birth? Why was he placed upon this earth? His giant brain went round and round. Alas, no answer could be found, Till suddenly one wondrous night, All in a flash, he saw the light. He jumped up like a ballet dancer And yelled, “By gum, I’ve got the answer!” “They want my bacon slice by slice “To sell at a tremendous price! “They want my tender juicy chops “To put in all the butchers’ shops! “They want my pork to make a roast “And that’s the part’ll cost the most! “They want my sausages in strings! “They even want my chitterlings! “The butcher’s shop! The carving knife! “That is the reason for my life!” Such thoughts as these are not designed To give a pig great peace of mind. Next morning, in comes Farmer Bland, A pail of pigswill in his hand, And Piggy with a mighty roar, Bashes the farmer to the floor . . . Now comes the rather grizzly bit So let’s not make too much of it, Except that you must understand That Piggy did eat Farmer Bland, He ate him up from head to toe, Chewing the pieces nice and slow. It took an hour to reach the feet, Because there was so much to eat, And when he’d finished, Pig, of course, Felt absolutely no remorse. Slowly he scratched his brainy head And with a little smile, he said, “I had a fairly powerful hunch “That he might have me for his lunch. “And so, because I feared the worst, “I thought I’d better eat him first.”

The crocodile, with cunning smile, sat in the dentist’s chair. He said, “Right here and everywhere my teeth require repair.” The dentist’s face was turning white. He quivered, quaked and shook. He muttered, “I suppose I’m going to have to take a look.” “I want you”, Crocodile declared, “to do the back ones first. The molars at the very back are easily the worst.” He opened wide his massive jaws. It was a fearsome sight— At least three hundred pointed teeth, all sharp and shining white. The dentist kept himself well clear. He stood two yards away. He chose the longest probe he had to search out the decay. “I said to do the back ones first!” the Crocodile called out. “You’re much too far away, dear sir, to see what you’re about. To do the back ones properly you’ve got to put your head Deep down inside my great big mouth,” the grinning Crocky said. The poor old dentist wrung his hands and, weeping in despair, He cried, “No no! I see them all extremely well from here!” Just then, in burst a lady, in her hands a golden chain. She cried, “Oh Croc, you naughty boy, you’re playing tricks again!” “Watch out!” the dentist shrieked and started climbing up the wall. “He’s after me! He’s after you! He’s going to eat us all!” “Don’t be a twit,” the lady said, and flashed a gorgeous smile. “He’s harmless. He’s my little pet, my lovely crocodile.”