Todd Colby

You'd think the sky would run out of water, but it won't; it just keeps coming down. I need someone to marvel at the breath escaping from me. Do you have a natural resource you prefer to exploit? Does someone think of you and turn the channel? How would you ever know? Have you ever zoned out during Downton Abbey? I'm certain of something I'd prefer not to tell you about. "Slow down," you say. But I can already see my breath, and its only October. Walking with you is making everything watery and spazzed out, like a movie about sex where I have sex and people are all like, "He's amazing, we really like his sex style!" But I digress. Will you please stand up when called upon to tell the audience how wonderful I was in my best moments; like someone in senior management delegating things and being sure of everything but how to stop? I promise I'll make this up to you. I'll write your name on the menu board, and people will come into the store all expectant of you.

I realize there is simply no way to stay up in the air with a sustained flapping motion. Sucks! But that doesn't mean I can't try. How odd to eat only white bread for levity. In spite of its limitations, you must consider the possibilities of leaping, daily. Whatever monster ails you, leap into the cool wind. I hope you consider me an authority. You don't know what this means. Yet. I have the necessary education for this type of work. I will imitate the sound of your father laughing into a microphone through a public address system in your place of work. How did that idea get into these instructions? I'm going to put stickers on the back of your shirt that will instruct people how to behave around you. Then, I'll leap through the air above you when you exit the subway. I just wanted to give you these instructions in a nutshell.

Right now I'm sipping a mango lassi in Action Town. I'm not bereft at all. In fact, I'm pleasantly aware of people moving on all fours. Our voice and text messages will be erased in no time. When I walk into stores they call me Spark Plug because I have a sparky manner. Things get all wavy from their constant attention. It's going to be okay. I'm a good habit: you don't need to trick me. I'm not sure where I should put my hands when I walk down the street with you. It's funny to think about who I would call if something really awful happened. I'd be jumping up and down not knowing who to call. My way of doing things is scary even to me. Remember the toothbrush, the honey bear, and the meal that we thought would never end? I'm counting on you to come through high water, to come through chaos, and to Action Town, where we'll lift our aces to skyward aviation.