The Ecstasy of Capitulation

I. One reason to eat is to not speak, said the man with a mouth full of food. When she told me that my silence was worse than her silence, I agreed, even though she was wrong. It is shallow to fight for things, he said, but sometimes it can be fun. You look like a tunnel, she said, and kissed my lips. What I like least about words is their capacity to invoke more words, she said, as she trashed my poem. According to the New York Times, gay teenage boys want monogamy while heterosexual boys prefer “friends with benefits.” My psychiatrist told me it was okay to lie about the important details of my life. As a result, I fell in love with her. I stopped seeing her as a patient but when we dated the spark was gone. If, as Cioran writes, existing is plagiarism, then what is death? I was lost all night in the forest only to discover these were streets I knew quite well. In the Oresteia, Apollo argues that the true parent is “he who mounts.” Because the Furies fail to ask what happens when the woman is on top, they lose the case. In evaluations, a student wrote: “Daniel would be a better teacher if he wasn’t such an asshole.” Weren’t such an asshole, I wanted to tell her, though as her comments were supposed to be anonymous, I could not admit that I recognized her handwriting. On a first date, I innocently went to the bathroom when the check arrived. She thought I was trying to stick her with the bill but when she realized I was unaware of dating etiquette she was charmed.  We had a nice kiss goodnight, but afterwards I was so flustered I went to a bar by myself, drank whiskey, and smoked my first cigarette in years. II. Throughout my life I have always wanted to tell the truth, even though I knew it was all a lie. In the end all that matters is the truth content of a lie.