A Note on My Son’s Face

I. Tonight, I look, thunderstruck at the gold head of my grandchild. Almost asleep, he buries his feet between my thighs; his little straw eyes close in the near dark. I smell the warmth of his raw slightly foul breath, the new death waiting to rot inside him. Our breaths equalize our heartbeats; every muscle of the chest uncoils, the arm bones loosen in the nest of nerves. I think of the peace of walking through the house, pointing to the name of this, the name of that, an educator of a new man. Mother. Grandmother. Wise Snake-woman who will show the way; Spider-woman whose black tentacles hold him precious. Or will tear off his head, her teeth over the little husband, the small fist clotted in trust at her breast. This morning, looking at the face of his father, I remembered how, an infant, his face was too dark, nose too broad, mouth too wide. I did not look in that mirror and see the face that could save me from my own darkness. Did he, looking in my eye, see what I turned from: my own dark grandmother bending over gladioli in the field, her shaking black hand defenseless at the shining cock of flower? I wanted that face to die, to be reborn in the face of a white child. I wanted the soul to stay the same, for I loved to death, to damnation and God-death, the soul that broke out of me. I crowed: My Son! My Beautiful! But when I peeked in the basket, I saw the face of a black man. Did I bend over his nose and straighten it with my fingers like a vine growing the wrong way? Did he feel my hand in malice? Generations we prayed and fucked for this light child, the shining god of the second coming; we bow down in shame and carry the children of the past in our wallets, begging forgiveness. II. A picture in a book, a lynching. The bland faces of men who watch a Christ go up in flames, smiling, as if he were a hooked fish, a felled antelope, some wild thing tied to boards and burned. His charring body gives off light—a halo burns out of him. His face scorched featureless; the hair matted to the scalp like feathers. One man stands with his hand on his hip, another with his arm slung over the shoulder of a friend, as if this moment were large enough to hold affection. III. How can we wake from a dream we are born into, that shines around us, the terrible bright air? Having awakened, having seen our own bloody hands, how can we ask forgiveness, bring before our children the real monster of their nightmares? The worst is true. Everything you did not want to know.