The Pope Replies to the Ayatollah Khomeini

My Dear Khomeini: I read your fourteen thousand dollar ad asking me why the Vatican waited all of these years to send an envoy to complain about conditions in Iran You’re right, we should have sent one when the Shah was in power, look, I’m in total agreement with you Khomeini, that Christ, had he lived in Iran under the Shah, would have led the biggest damned revolt you ever saw Believe me, Khomeini, I knew about the Shah’s decadence, his extravagance his misdeeds, and how he lolled about in luxury with Iran’s loot I knew about the trail of jewels which led to his Dad’s capture but a fella has to eat and so when David Rockefeller asked me to do something how could I refuse? You can afford to be holier than thou What is it, 30 dollars per barrel these days? You must be bathing in oil While each day I suffer a new indignity You know that rock record they made me do? It’s 300 on the Charts which is about as low as you can get. And I guess you read where I had to call in all those Cardinals and for the first time reveal the Vatican budget? I had to just about get down on my hands and knees to get them to co-sign for a loan The Vatican jet has a mechanical problem and the Rolls-Royce needs a new engine The staff hasn’t been paid in months and the power company is threatening to turn off the candles To add to that, the building inspector has listed us as having 30,000 code violations I’m telling you, Khomeini, that so many people are leaving the church I have this nightmare where I wake up one day in Los Angeles and I’m the only one left Pretty soon we’ll be one of those cults you read about in the San Francisco Chronicle