Brand New Products

A vigilant gun that always picks out The right target—even if it’s you— No matter who you’re aiming at. A computer that listens and blows you, As you blow it, to your favorite tune. Meat that cleans your teeth As you’re masticating it. A truck so awesome, only the President Of the United States of America’s allowed To careen in it, to his own beat. A dictionary with positive adjectives only. A dictionary with no wet verbs. A dictionary with negotiable definitions. A dictionary that defines words by their antonyms. All the greatest hits from the last millennium Performed live, on stage, on the inside Of your state of the art, acoustically-enhanced skull. A complete set of nude photos Of you, taken by you and sold Back to you—at a discount. A sex doll with a mirror for a face. A sex doll with a Ph.D. A sex doll with adjustable skin tone. A sensitive sex doll that just wants To be friends—a Platonic sex doll. Rain water in a bottle, sunshine in a box And ambience sounds from a bus stop Down the street, recorded on a CD. A 24-hour video of what you did yesterday. A 24-hour video of what you’ll do tomorrow. A super realistic photo of what’s outside Your window, pasted to your window. A baseball game that never ends, To be played simultaneously with A football game that never ends. Cluster bombs that scatter copies of Leaves of Grass Over a thousand mile radius, for a thousand years. Landmines made with dough, Topped with mozzarella and all Your favorite toppings. An airplane that never lands. And, finally, your favorite fairy tale Painted on your new plastic limbs.